


Sunlight On Your Face

by mattzerella_sticks



Series: Season 14 Inspired [11]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 14x08, Angst, Angst and Feels, Byzantium, Coda, Depressed Castiel (Supernatural), Determined Sam Winchester, Heartbroken Dean Winchester, M/M, Protective Sam Winchester, Sad Castiel, Sad Dean Winchester, Scared Castiel, Shipper Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 10:28:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16890840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattzerella_sticks/pseuds/mattzerella_sticks
Summary: Coda to 14x08Just what did The Empty mean? When would Castiel be at his happiest? His son is back with him, he's back with his family, and he has Heaven's gratitude? There's only one thing missing - the one thing he has never allowed himself to have. But even that is in his grasp, and he cannot grab hold.Sam notices Cas rebuff Dean, and talks with his angel friend about the uncharacteristic behavior.





	Sunlight On Your Face

**Author's Note:**

> So that EPISODE! Like it was so good but bring me back to the good feelings of "Mint Condition" am I right?
> 
> Anyway, a little Sam/Cas friendship inspired by the episode! (Like a lot of my s14 series - tackling Destiel from different directions, and I really liked this one).
> 
> Enjoy!

            This was _supposed_ to be a celebration. Nothing grand – a few burgers, a couple of beers, and a long night of laughter not tinged with the threat of mortality. Their spirits and hopes were high. Maybe that’s why Dean was tossing out signals more than he usually does in Cas’s presence.

            But that doesn’t explain why every softball Dean lobbed at their angel friend was met with a wide swing and a miss. Even Sam could tell what his brother was doing. With the tilt of his bottle, fluttering his eyelashes every now and then, and knocking up against Sam’s legs when the bar between he and Cas would halt any try at footsie. All classic maneuvers of a giddy Dean with an excess of happiness he wants to share.

            “As much fun as this is,” Dean says, dragging himself out of his seat, “I can’t spend _two_ nights passed out on the table. I think I’m gonna turn in. _Cas_?” He tilts his head, smirking in a final ‘Hail Mary’ play.

            Cas barely meets his buoyant gaze. “I… think I’ll stay out here some more. You know – being an angel means I don’t –“

            “Don’t require sleep, yeah yeah…” Dean scrubs a tired hand down his face, frowning. “All right. Well, I guess I’ll be going alone…”

            “I’ll make the walk with you, Dean.” Jack stands up, now. “After today, I feel like I could sleep like the dead.” They all wince. “…Poor choice of words, I know.”

            Dean waves him over, swinging an arm around Jack’s shoulder. “C’mon kid, lets mosey on out of here. Sam, don’t you stay up too late now. You too, Cas.” They exit, leaving the other two to clean up. Cas attempts it, picking up both his and Jack’s empty dishes, stacking them on top of each other. But as he reaches for Jack’s bottle, Sam grabs for his wrist.

            “We need to talk.”

            There’s fight in him. Sam can tell by how the tempest of Cas’s eyes swirl, unwilling for a confrontation. But he makes his stance just as tough. He tightens his grip on Cas, and presses his mouth into as firm a line as he can. It’s a waiting game, a test of wills.

            Cas sighs in defeat. “What do you wish to talk about?”

            “What’s going on?” Sam asks, gesturing to the empty space next to him, “Jack’s back, we have Michael’s location… but you’re not acting like any of that is _good_. You’re subdued.”

            “And what if I am?”

            “It means you’ve got a lot on your mind. That something happened, and you’re still thinking about it – about what it _means_.”

            Cas glares at Sam. “You think you know what goes on in my mind?”

            “I know enough,” he tells him, “Like I have to be right because why else would you turn down Dean’s very _obvious_ flirting.” The words cut Cas down a few inches, drawing an embarrassed rosiness to his cheeks. “Yeah, it was that _bad_.”

            “…Dean was feeling a high, that’s all,” Cas says, “I’m sure come morning he would have regretted taking such a bold step in our relationship.” Sam can tell he doesn’t believe it. That Cas was convincing himself as much as he was Sam, even though his voice trembled and his hands shook, crumbs flying everywhere off the plates.

            “I don’t think so,” Sam starts, “Dean is… he’s changing. I don’t think he would have regretted it, if you were to…”

            Cas’s head flicks up, startled. He stares at Sam with wide eyes. “No…”

            “Yeah,” Sam continues, “If that’s what’s holding you back… it’s becoming more of a non-issue. I think Dean is… _allowing_ himself to do things a little differently than what he’s used to or what others _expected_ of him.” He thought his encouragement would be the final push to send Cas on his way towards Dean’s room; to stop overthinking. But all he seems to have done was frightened him even more.

            “That… that can’t be,” Cas mutters, “He… I can’t…” Sam watches as Cas breaks down in front of him. As if the weight of the past 48 hours bore down on him, crushing him, collapsing any semblance of calm. He drops the plates, forcing himself up and away from the table. Sam follows him. “No – please, I need… I need…” Cas leans on the counter, breathing heavily. He hovers nearby; ready to jump when his friend needs him.

            After a while, when the panic that overtook Cas has faded into the background, Sam reaches out, “Hey…” Cas flinches at his touch, but doesn’t shy away from it like last time. He lays his hand on his shoulder, waiting for Cas to speak.

            “We’ve done this for years,” Cas says, “Dancing around each other… I figured maybe that’s all… he would never… and now… _now that_ …”

            “Now that what, Cas?” Sam asks, “Nothing’s changed. You said it yourself; you’ve two have been doing this… _thing_ , for a while. But you can change all that.”

            “No, Sam,” Cas growls, “No no no no no. I can’t! If I… if he and I…”

            “What’s the worst that could happen –“

            “I’d die, Sam.” He rounds on the younger Winchester, his eyes burning with a blistering fire, “I’d be gone and I can’t do that. Not to any of you… not to _him_.” Cas chokes out a sob, knees finally giving out as he sinks to the floor. Sam helps him down, sitting across from him.

            While Cas composes himself, Sam processes his response. It doesn’t make sense to him. ‘ _Unless_ …’ “Cas, you _did_ something, didn’t you? What was it? What happened up in Heaven?”

            “I didn’t want to say anything,” Cas says instead, “With Michael and just getting Jack back… we didn’t need this. I figured it would never happen so fast…”

            “Cas!”

            He sighs, running fingers through his already mussed hair. “The Empty,” he sighs, “It… it was about to take Jack. I would never have gotten out if I didn’t…”

            “If you didn’t what?”

            “If I didn’t offer myself in his place.”

            Sam’s heart shudders to a stop before freefalling into his stomach. “What?”

            “If I hadn’t awoken, the Empty wouldn’t have been a problem to begin with,” Cas explains, “Jack _deserved_ to live. I… I shouldn’t have even been alive after everything that’s happened. It’s only _right_ I take his place. Like any father would do for their son.”

            “But… I don’t get it. You’re still here?”

            “The Empty… didn’t want me now.” He folds his hands over his knees, fiddling his thumbs, “Said that it wouldn’t be right. That they’d only collect me when I would least expect it – when I was truly _happy_ and –“ he chuckles, pressing his palm to his eye “ – and had forgotten all about any worry. I knew what they were talking about… The same nail they struck back when I was trapped so long ago. _Dean_.” Cas trembles, his brother’s name leaving his lips like a breathy prayer. “We have so much that’s gone unspoken between us… if I were to voice my desires – have him accept me for all that I am? The Empty would snatch me up right before his eyes…”

            Sam tears his eyes away, uncomfortable at the thought. A highlight reel flashes throughout his mind, of a Dean back when Cas was trapped in the Empty. They’ve lost friends and family before, but his brother never reacted like that. Like there was no reason to get out of bed, as if all the light in his life was extinguished. Only recently had he discovered why. “If that happens…” ‘ _Dean’s already so fragile…_ ’

            “The last thing I’d see would be Dean’s face,” he says, defeated, “And if I wouldn’t be existing in pure nothingness, I’m sure it would haunt me for my eternity of slumber…”

            There’s not much he can say. “I don’t think he’s gonna stop,” Sam tells Cas, “this… thing between you two? He’s not happy with it. I’m pretty sure he wants _more_. We’ve both seen it. Dean touches you more often, drifts closer than usual… it’s gonna come to a head soon enough.”

            Cas shrugs, staring past Sam. “Then I’ll let him down. And ensure my grace goes untouched for eternity as my heart shatters into a million pieces.”

            That doesn’t sit well with him. Hearing how defeated his friend is, because he rushed ahead and gave his hopes away to some faceless being. Sam can’t let him do this. Not just for Dean – because Cas _deserves_ his happiness. To have Dean in the way he likes. To stop wallowing in the shadows and feel the sunlight, warm on his face. “We’re not going to let that happen, Cas.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “That we’re going to fix this,” he says, “one step at a time. We’ll figure out a way to beat the Empty – so that it can’t take you away from us – from your _family_.”

            “It’s an ancient being – older than _God._ More powerful than anything we’ve ever faced –“

            “And we can stop it. _Together_. Me and Dean –“

            “You mustn’t tell Dean.” He reaches for Sam’s hand, crushing it. “I… he can’t know about this. Michael is too important… we need to focus all our resources on him –“

            “ _You’re_ important too, Cas,” Sam says, “Not just to Dean… you’re my best friend and – and _Jack_. What if –“

            “Jack knows.”

            “…What?”

            “Jack knows what I did,” Cas says, rising, “He watched me as I traded my life for his. I asked him to keep it secret from the both of you but… I’m glad it was you who found out first.” He turns big, blue eyes on him, “You cannot tell Dean. If he were to find out I… I can’t think of what might happen.”

            Sam pauses, unsure of where to go. He still doesn’t want to let go. “Even if we beat Michael?”

            “If _I_ survive Michael,” Cas says, “Then maybe. But we can’t dwell on the maybes. I’m taking one day at a time…”

            “We’ll find a way to stop it, Cas,” Sam tries one last time, “We always do.”

            “Thank you, Sam,” he says, “really.” He steps away, leaving Sam alone in the kitchen. The younger Winchester doesn’t stay there for long. He trudges back to his room for a fitful night of sleep. 

* * *

            Sam was up before the sun rose, sitting in the library. There are a couple of books spread out around him, and his laptop has a bunch of tabs open about The Empty. ‘ _I might as well do something_ …’ He’s alone for a long time, until Dean’s heavy trudging signals his arrival.

            He shuffles into view, cranky faced and robe hastily tied. Sam raises a brow at him. “What happened?”

            Dean doesn’t look at him. “Cas.”

            “What about Cas?”

            “He didn’t go to his room last night,” Dean says, slumping into the seat across from Sam. He has a far off look in his eye, finger rubbing at a crusty spot on the corner. “I went to see how he was feeling, wanted to know if he was up for running errands… maybe see this new movie that came out but –“ Dean sighs, unable to finish his story. Instead he tosses a crumpled note from inside his robe pocket.

            Sam neatens it and reads. On it, Cas explains his sudden departure. Saying that he was driving up to Sioux Falls to check with Jody and Claire, see if he could reason with Dark Kaia.

            “I could have gone with him,” Dean mumbles, pouting, “if he had asked…”

            His brother sinks into himself, too focused on scraping off the dried stain to notice Sam watching him pityingly. ‘ _Cas… I know you think you’re doing what’s right… but I won’t stop. I’ll figure out how to help you. To help **both** of you.’_

            Sam returns to his research, while Dean spends his time with the spot.

**Author's Note:**

> God did I feel evil writing this... is that what the Supernatural writers feel like? Like the power of Satan is inside of them?
> 
> Moving on... drop a kudos/comment if you really liked this!


End file.
